I’m going to cheat with this post, because instead of writing something of my own, I’m going to make a list of quotes from The Simpsons. #SorryNotSorry. I love The Simpsons, and in its early golden years, I’m not sure there’s ever been a better written show on television. In its best moments, The Simpsons is clever, smart, self aware, and satirical. To prove that, here are some quotes from The Simpsons that I always find myself thinking about/quoting/generally obsessing over.
PS: I’m feeling so lazy today that I’m not even going to post blurbs with these quotes. I’m only posting quotes. LOL. To be fair, it did take a while to nail down these quotes, but yeah, still pretty lazy stuff. I can’t be tamed. I promise to actually write something tomorrow. Maybe. If I’m feeling up for it. We’ll see.
This still counts though!
- Bart: “No offense Homer but your half-assed under parenting was a lot more fun then your half-assed over parenting.” Homer: “But I’m using my whole ass.”
- “I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.” -Bart Simpson
- “You are Lisa Simpson.” – Mr. Bergstrom
- Bart/Homer: “Eat my shorts, Shelbyville! EAT MY SHORTS!” Ned: “Yes; eat all of our shirts!”
- Lisa: “In the Northern Hemisphere water always drains counter-clockwise. It’s called the Coriolis effect.” Bart: “No way. Water doesn’t obey your rules. It goes where it wants. Like me, babe.”
- “I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.” – Homer Simpson
- Homer: “How dare you torture my children with Mozart!” Sideshow Bob: “You know Mozart?” Homer: “I CALL ALL MUSIC MOZART.”
- “You go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ’em in the face, and for what?” – Moe
- “I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming!” – Homer
- “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.” – Homer
- “Suppose we’ve chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder and madder.” – Homer
- “Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa?” – Bart
- Groundskeeper Willy: “Boy… you read my thoughts! You’ve got the Shinning.” Bart Simpson: “You mean ‘Shining.'” Groundskeeper Willy: “Shhh! You want to get sued?”
- Bart: “I’ll go disguised as you.” Lisa: “What if he wants to hold hands?” Bart: “I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.” Lisa: “What if he wants a kiss?” Bart: “I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.” Lisa: “What if he—” Bart: “You don’t want to know how far I’ll go.
- “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!” – Milhouse
- Lisa: “It’s awful being a kid. No one listens to you.” Grampa: “It’s rotten being old. No one listens to you.” Homer: “I’m a white male. Age eighteen to forty-nine. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.”
- Lisa: “Excuse me. Ms. Lovell? I’d like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.” Stacy Lovell: “Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?” Lisa: “Am I the first?” Stacy Lovell: “… Yes.”
- “Oh no, the dead have risen and they’re voting Republican!” – Lisa
- “I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!” – Ned Flanders
- “Attention, students, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal’s office. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn’t let the students name that one.” – Seymour Skinner